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I think I have anxiety issues. but not in the way that im paranoid, but more like im nervous about doing something wrong or not doing things right. but maybe its all becasue im stressed. i guess those things can get mixed up. uni makes me this way. OH and STUPID FUCKING DUMB ASS MOTHER FUCKING NEIGHBOURS WHO PLAY MUSIC TILL 4 AM IN THE MORNING AND THEN THE OTHER NEIGHBOUR GETS UP AT 6AM AND STARTS PLAYING HER FUCKING OPERA... ALL THE WHILE SOMEONE IS BANGING THE HELL OUT OF THE WALL AND NOBODY IS FUCKING CONCIDERATE ENOUGH TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. mind you i actually had thoughts of mass murder. i thought i could poisen their water... or put something in the air conditioning filter. this is what they have made of me. im going coo coo with rage! |
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Today is the last day of the season. We are happy to leave but really sad at the same time... I am glade to leave my job because i didn't really like many people i worked with.. except for a few. But i'm going to miss waking up to snow falling outside. I'm going to miss looking out onto beautiful snow covered mountains everyday. The view is AMAZING. And i'm going to miss the thrill of snowboarding. of flying in the air and going really really fast down a run. Sprinting through the trees and almost running into a small house. sigh... good times. these are the things that i'm going to miss. but life goes on, me and Sean are stronger and more in love then we have ever been. He makes me happy. We are heading to Europe in a few days and doing a really big trip. I'm happy i'm going to see my family in Croatia. But i am even happier that i am all that closer to be going home. I miss my family & friends. that is the hardest part about traveling. sometimes you just want a hug from someone who loves you. I'm very fortunate to have Sean here for that, he saved me. soon, we shall see each other again... but what to say, there's too much to say.
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Wow, haven't done this in a while! SO... I'm here at Big White in the Snowy mountains of Canada. It was snowing all day and tongihts wind chill is -40. I'm sick as a dog and afraid of getting anmonia. But i think if i keep my thraot warm i can avoid this. The first couple of weeks were super hard. Being my first time living out of home...living in another country and the first time me and sean have permanent residence (for a while) in the same bed. This factor alone caused me much greif and also much anger. I was homesick, depressed, bored and sick... so you can imagine my hatred toward this place at first. However like so many other things it has grown on me. Waking up in the morning watching snow fall through your bedroom window. Sleeping next to sean everynight. Kissing in the snowfall. Making new friends, Going out all the time (even if it is to the same pub) and most of all living with the best friends i could ever have. I am extremely excited to see joey in a couple of weeks. Plus i get 2 days off after new years eve to spend with her :) We have finally satrted real work and im more nervouse then i thought i woudl be. Actually taking money off people (in front of there faces) is harder then i remember. I think i just need to get back into the swing of things. at the moment it is 7:42pm on saturday night, which means im working the late shift until 8pm... it isn't bad but as you amy have guessed im alone, cold and coughing over everything i touch and see. I have lost some weight. not enoguh to restore me back to my former glory (not like im hopeing to get there anyways) btu just enoguh to feel a little bit more confident insetad of a tubby tub... you know the tall girl with the small beer gut! i wish i could be in brisbane, i can't beleive i wasted so much time just tsitting around and not doing anything! i ened to get things done when i come back: - volanteer at the RSPCA - start yoga classes with shannyn - swimming for excercise - FINISH UNI! - move out of home - start taking a plan of action and getting in as much painting in as possible - work a GOOD job (part-time) i hope it all goes well until then! looks like the Europe plans are comming together nicely! Sandy xoxox |
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this fucking sucks.... i know im suppose to be wherever i am... but i dont know if it with the right person. |
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this weekend was full of surpriseeeees! well not really, but non the less amazing with 6 other friends all stuck in a mansion full of ninja hideouts, big screen TV's, board games, spotlight in the park and many trips to the beach. Got a bit of a tanage buddy... should keep me from going whiter then a china plate whilst in canadia :) i have officially finished working at ge! woo for me :) and i finally have recovered my soul.. except for the fact that this whole weekend i was either drunk, asleep or pumping on adrenalin so my body, mind and soul trip was kinda pushed to the background making it very hard in the end to determine who i was and my surroundings, but it turned out okay in the end. time to sleep i guess, god only 6 more sleeps until i leave :S CRAZY STUFF! Sean has moved into my house for the rest of the week, we just finished getting all his shit over which is a little less stress off our shoulders. His previous roommate got a puppy pug the other week and already he is sick of it and gave it to his other roommate to have and take care off for his 'birthday'. I knew he was going to get sick of the little thing, she so cute though but he gets annoyed really easily and manages to want something new every week. He can afford it, but the puppy is a living breathing thing, he shouldn't have just given up on her or else he shouldn't have bought her in the first place. this weekend was heaps of fun and i couldn't have asked for a better 'holiday' before a 'working holiday' :) i miss sean
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01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? 02) What was your dream growing up? 03) What talent do you wish you had? 04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? 05) Favorite vegetable? 06) What was the last book you read? 07) What zodiac sign are you? 08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. 09) Worst Habit? 10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? 11) What is your favorite sport? 12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? 13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? 14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? 15) Tell me one weird fact about you. 16) Do you have any pets? 17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? 18) What was your first impression of me? 19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? 20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? 21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? 22) What color eyes do you have? 23) Ever been arrested? 24) Bottle or can soda? 25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? 27) What's your favorite place to hang out? 28) Do you believe in ghosts? 29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? 30) Do you swear a lot? 31) Biggest pet peeve? 32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? 33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? 34) Favourite and least favourite food? 35) Do you believe in God? 36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? |
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Sitting here at work... trying to sort out my life. It's a wonder why i havent injured myself yet as a reflection of how i feel about this job. Well it's not all that bad, i mean apart from wanting to destroy and burn down the building I'm making valuble and really sweet friends. This is what its like. You get to wokr hopeing that during your stay there the systems crash and the corperation crumbles all the while trying to avoid doing anything even related to whatever they trained you for, talking to you friends and having some good laughs. Even left wing interlectuals work here, yeh its a suprise... no? I mean i work here just for the money until i leave, but they actually work here as a 'career'. tell me, what the HELL is a career, maybe somethign to make our lives seem forfilled? maybe somethign to pass the time so we dont have to even think about life and our place within the world? its all a load of shit to me. One thing i've learnt by reading up on buddhism and a couple of my favourite comic books and musicians is that nothing in this life or the next will ever fill that empty, desiring, needy whole in our hearts that makes us into the corprate slurs or in debt parents that spend mroe then they have. I mean whats life if you have no desire to ask why, even when you think you knwo everything. Seriously its not even worth it. Life wont ever be what you want it to be, you will never satisfy your desires and things most things wont turn out the way you want it too. But who cares, have a drink, spend time with your family, feel strong and connect yourself with the wild, connect youself with the world and realise your soul and accept the fact that nothing will ever satisfy your need and you can finally be free! MAHAHAHAHAAHAH FRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAHAH!!
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for a moment she re-discovered the purpose of her life. She is here in earth to grasp the meaning of its wild enchantment and call each thing by its right name! - Boris Pasternak TO CALL EACH THING BY ITS RIGHT NAME... TO FEEL AND SPEAK THE TRUTH! ALL I WANT IS THE TRUTH, NOT MONEY, POSSESSIONS, SECURITY ... JUST TRUTH The truth of the things that I smell and touch. The truth of the fresh, beautiful, crisp air that I breath into my lungs when I stand up to smell the morning breeze blow by me. To feel the grass between my toes and to run like the wind, passing souls that have stood in the same place for thousand of years. To howl at the moon, to feel death and not run away but face it with my primitive desire. To seek that which cannot find me between these buildings. I look upon the earth, the reflections shining off the waters and trees, overwhelmed with the contentment that I belong not only in the world but I belong to it. deliberate living: conscious attention to that basis of life, and a constant all true meaning resides in the personal relationship to a phenomenon, what it means to you and how you value it. |
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A human being is a part of this whole, called by us 'universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. i feel like im trapped in repeat, i feel like when i look at someone less fortunate then me i dont feel the same instant desire to do whatever is possible to help them and put there lives in front of mine. i feel like ive let go of my younger feelings, like ive given up and grown up but i haven't taken with me the most important parts of my childhood. My compassion, my spirit and my awareness. i don't observe anymore, i just sit and stare, thinking about something supid and almost always miss my bus stop. I'm not aware of things going on around me anymore, im not aware on in tune to the energy or spirits. im not even feeling much anymore. im not happy. i don't even listen to music hat much anymore. this is what its come too, and i don't know how to make it right again.
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I believe in one God, and no more; and I hope for happiness beyond this life. I believe in the equality of man; and I believe that religious duties consist in doing justice, loving mercy, and endeavouring to make our fellow-creatures happy. But, lest it should be supposed that I believe many other things in addition to these, I shall, in the progress of this work, declare the things I do not believe, and my reasons for not believing them. I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit. I do not mean by this declaration to condemn those who believe otherwise; they have the same right to their belief as I have to mine. But it is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe. |
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here i am, planning on going to Canada at the end of the year with a great, amazing man and all i can think about is what i'm missing with the others - Croatian i mean.. i see photo's of them with some of my ex-cousins (who are slutty fucking anal wholes by the way)and i remember how it was. i remember going out a lot and having fun, but they never had fun with me in a bad way i always knew what thy were doing and they never made fun of me - but they definitely think most of the girls they see are dumb (which they are) i thought i was past that, but i have to admit they were fun. i guess i just feel like i'm wasting my life at the moment.. it should be funner, funnier, more energetic, more partying.. I'M STILL YOUNG FOR CHRIST SAKE!! i don't know, maybe its just a faze; maybe im just trying to find excuses to get rid of my relationship; maybe im hurt because i use to be fun I'm just restless.. a girl needs some excitement in her life right? and i havent had it for a while now! HELP! |
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dont waste another moment... explore what you never know. take chances and dont be afraid to fall |
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goes a little something like this. i said im sad because we dont make love as often. he says he doesnt feel the need to. he gets his love from other things we do. i get sad. and sadder. eventually i confront him tell him how i feel (but without yelling!) i hate yelling. he acts like its just me complaining. but then i tell him i NEED him to want me and love me. he hugs me. and we hold eachother for a little while. all seems just that little better. then he said he loves me. and then he told me straight after that he doesnt think we will last......... this is where everything goes wrong. we both love eachother to peices.. like crazy crazy.. but he thinks everything should be perfect. he doesnt understand that relationships are hard... they require work and hope. he gives up on us too easy. i run outside with the thought of "just keep walking". but he stops me. we cry. i dont know if their was anything we ccould have done but cry and hold eachother. i dont want to loose him. i can't imagine my life without him. he makes everyday just that little bit more happier. it might not work out. and we both have our doubts.. but we decided to try... theres no way we couldnt. no way i could have just let him go. pride, self, money, anger... nothing matters anymore, i let it all go... just that i can't live without him. i just can't. i dont know what to do.
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so.. i came back form canada a couple of weeks ago.. and now i have a job at GE money.. i can honestly say this is probably one of the worst and most confusing times in my life. i have friends who are going down the shithole as well as one so called 'friend' who wont pay any attention to his son and .. im sorry joey. but im going to fucking kill him if i EVER see him. elliot deserves better |
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i had a fantastic christmas..
pictures willl be posted :D |
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11 days till i leave.. EEEP! :D good time ahead.. |
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1. Overall, have you had a good year? yes.. yes i think so 2. What has been your biggest achievement? 3. Did you take any exams, Pass? 4. Have you had your birthday yet? What did you do? 5. Have you been on Holiday? Gone away anywhere? 6. Where (list and when)? 7. Have you bought anything expensive? 8. Have you had a job? 9. Made any big decisions? 10. Lost a friend or loved one? 11. Met anyone amazing? 12. Made new friends? 13. Moved house? 14. Changed College? 15. Tried something new? 16. Been more happy or sad? 17. Made any enemies? 18. What music will you remember from this year? 19. What movies have you seen at the cinema this year? 20. What was your best night out? 21. What was your worst night out? 22. Best Day? 23. Worst Day? 24. Best month? 25. Worst month? 26. Was summer a gooden'? 27. Have you made better friends with anyone? 28. Lost any friends? 29. How many people have you kissed in the year of 2007? 30. Did you fall in love? 31. Did you have your heart broken? 32. Made any plans for next year? 33. How many hair colours have you had? 34. Got pierced? 35. Got inked? 36. Changed your image? 37. Missed anyone? 38. There is no 38, so I'm adding one. Do you have a hat? 39. Know what you want in the future? 40. Regret anything? 41. Who has been your best friend through 2006?
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happy
tired
sick
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